Losing To Herself
by RGAP-48
Summary: -COMPLETE- Anyone else tired of the Phillip, Shawn and Belle triangle yet? Here's how it should end. Light MM slash and this is definitely NOT for Belle lovers.
1. Crumble

**Losing To Herself**

  
  
**Author's Note: Okay, for the sake of this story, Shawn and Phillip aren't related. Let's just say Caroline never had her little afair and Bo is not Victor's son.  
  
**A tiny part of her had always believed that she what she was doing would end badly but she had always ignored that part of herself. Maybe it wouldn't have ended up the way it had if she hadn't brushed off the feeling of dread, which had been obscured by the immense pleasure all their attention gave her. She had craved their attention, fed off it, almost needed it. Because knowing that both of them were vying for her affections in any way they could made her forget all the horrible things that had happened to her. It gave her the illusion of the perfection she had always wanted for herself. All of her focus had went to keeping the triangle alive, keeping both of their interests in her blazing. She was so focused on turning them against each other that all imperfections were forgotten and disregarded. She wasn't thinking about the loss of her mother, not when all of her energy was being dedicated to the delicate construction of the self-induced love triangle, with her right in the middle.   
  
She had been fully aware of Phillip's feelings for her for a long time. But by pretending not to, she gave off an aura of innocence and made herself appear to be unattainble, which had captivated Phillip, kept him interested. She wasn't stupid, she had known exactly what she was doing. She had let Phillip comfort her, let him close, knowing it would have killed Shawn if he had been around to see. It was her way of getting revenge. She had to have that revenge because Shawn had never had any right to walk out of her life when she still needed him around to make her feel better. She flirted with Phillip but still continued to make herself appear unreachable, never letting Phillip forget that she still loved _Shawn_.   
  
And all of the sudden, Shawn was back in her life again. He had come back to Salem, telling everyone how he had just escaped being locked in a cage by Jan Spears. Supposedly, Jan had gave up on him and had let him go. Shawn had a restraining order against Jan now and he wanted to stay in Salem, in Belle's life. That's when Belle turned the heat up a notch. She told Shawn that she needed time to think things over and Shawn had immediately asked her if it was because of Phillip. Knowing what his reaction would be, Belle told him yes. Belle remembered the way his eyes had darkened with hatred and anger. But there were other conflicting emotions mixed in his eyes, emotions Belle didn't know what to make of.   
  
After that, the fighting started. It reminded Belle of Rex and Shawn's relationship after the serial killings had started in Salem. Shawn had thought Rex was responsible and no one had been able to keep Shawn off Rex. Belle had witnessed countless fist-fights and wrestling sessions between the two men who were both after her heart. She had shrieked and wailed and begged them to stop. But the truth was, she had enjoyed it. She had loved every viscious, action-packed minute of it. It made her feel powerful, to know she was controlling them completely. They were under her spell, playing right into her hands.   
  
Belle had played them both in every way she knew how, building up one of their hopes, then dropping it back down and going to the other guy. She flirted mercilessly with one of them while the other one watched, jealousy overtaking his every facial feature. She did everything she could to keep them interested, to keep them wanting her. She thrust them up against each other, destroyed the friendship that had been there between them for as long as she could remember. It made her feel alive, it made her feel important.   
  
The triangle was perfect and complete, made completely by her, solidified by her sublte manipulations. Phillip and Shawn wanted her, hated each other and she was right there in the middle, lapping up the attention like a cat lapped up milk from a saucer. She wasn't sure which one of them she wanted but she had still been willing to do anything to keep both of them after her. With the creation of the triangle had also came a new Belle, one that, instead of just _wanting_ things to always be about her, would stop at nothing to keep the attention of so many _on_ her.   
  
She didn't know the exact time when the triangle started to break apart. It was gradual, but eventually, it became noticeable. The lack of fighting, the lack of screaming and the lack of anger. There was still tension between Shawn and Phillip but it wasn't the kind of tension Belle was used to. It felt different and Belle couldn't exactly name how. But she didn't like it. She grew frantic, desperate to hold onto both of the men in her life, regardless of the consequences.   
  
Shawn had been standing outside his loft when Belle had walked into the hallway outside her own loft with Phillip in tow. The amount of resentment towards Phillip from Shawn was seriously lacking and Belle could hear the cracking sounds resounding in her head. The sounds of her triangle breaking, cracking even more. So, she had upped the stakes. She had kissed Phillip, putting more aggression and fervor into that kiss than she had ever put into any kiss before. After that, she had told Phillip she wanted him to be with her the entire night. As she led Phillip inside her apartment, she caught the look of jealousy etched onto Shawn's face and the triumph was back. She was the glue holding her triangle together and she would stop at nothing to keep the triangle going.   
  
She had given herself to Phillip, in every way possible that night. She had thought it would keep things going strong, heighten the anger and hate between Shawn and Phillip. In the end, it had only made her see that things had spun out of control and there was no way of regaining power of the triangle she had created. In fact, it wasn't even a triangle anymore. It was a web, a huge, complicated web that she herself had gotten lost in. She realized this when it wasn't _her_ name Phillip moaned as both of them neared the precipice of pleasure. She didn't even think Phillip had realized he had done it, as it if had almost been second nature, automatic to him. And she hated it. The triangle she had so exquisitely crafted was falling apart around her feet and there was nothing she could do to stop it.   
  
She had pushed them too far and hadn't even seen the repercussions coming. She had been too far gone, too lost in the web of attention and confusion and lust. She hadn't really known who she had wanted, whether it was one or both of them. But in the end, she had lost them both.   
  
After Phillip had left her loft, Belle had practically suffocated herself with her pillow, letting the pillow muffle loud, angry shrieks, letting the pillow absorb tears of fury. Her eyes burned and she tried desperately to erase the images of Phillip and Shawn that had formed in her mind. Phillip and Shawn. Shawn and Phillip. Phillip _and_ Shawn. It couldn't be them, it was supposed to be all about her, at all costs. Their names were never meant to be linked together in this way. She wanted to believe it wasn't real but the way Phillip had said Shawn's name with passionate abandon during _their_ time of rapture had left no doubt in her mind.   
  
She had cried herself to sleep that night. The tears reminded her that she couldn't be like her sister. Unlike Sami, she couldn't bounce back and keep trying. Her triangle was in ruins, past the point of being saved. And she wasn't heartless, she had just lost herself in the triangle. The triangle had helped take her mind off her mother's death, therefore become Belle's _life_. And now that the triangle was gone, so was her life, dissolving into nothing, along with everything else.   
  
She had cut herself off from Phillip and Shawn after that night and made it clear that she wanted nothing more to do with either of them. She had been disappointed, but not surprised when neither of them had protested.   
  
And now she was seeing them for the first time since then. She was sitting alone in the Brady Pub, watching them. Shawn and Phillip had been deep in conversation and hadn't even noticed her presence. Now they were getting ready to leave. After leaving some money on the table, Shawn dropped his wallet on the ground. Belle watched Phillip pick up the wallet and give it to Shawn, their hands touching a few moments longer than necessarry. They shared a secret smile, their eyes lit up with contentment. For the first time in so long, they looked happy and completely at peace with their lives. They walked out of the Brady Pub, their hands interlocked, as if they didn't even care who saw them. They had escaped the triangle, leaving only Belle behind to do damage control.   
  
Belle was so busy watching the two of them leave that she didn't notice the woman until she sat down across from Belle.   
  
"What's wrong, Belle? the woman's voice was high and mocking, "Are you sad that your little plan has been ruined?"   
  
The taunting half smile gracing the woman's lips let Belle know that there was a deeper meaning behind those words, "What did you do?" Belle demanded.   
  
The woman's eyes were now wide with innocence, "I didn't do anything wrong. Everyone wanted it to end, they were sick of seeing you string Phillip and Shawn along the way you were. All I did was help them see the light."   
  
Belle gave a small, lifeless laugh, "This is so not fair. I can't believe I lost them to you."   
  
The woman shook her head, "No, Belle. You didn't lose them to me. You didn't even lose them to each other. Because the triangle was never between you and Shawn and Phillip. It was between you and you and you. You never cared about making either of them happy, you only cared about making yourself happy. You lost them to yourself. No one else." the woman rose from the table, throwing Belle one last triumphant smirk before sauntering out the door to the Brady Pub.  
  
**Author's Note: So, what did you think? Is this not the perfect way for the triangle to end? Well, I hate Belle, so I'm probably the only one who thinks this but that's okay. There are a couple more chapters to come that will explain things a little bit more and there will be a little bit of Phillip/Shawn fluff as well. But it won't get past PG-13 this time, promise. I just wanted to try out a new pairing. Days definitely needs a bigger slash fanbase. Speaking of which, anyone who is interested in a Days of our lives RPG that is completely dedicated to slash, you can join here: http:gaysofourlives.proboards32.com. I hope you decide to join the board, even if you don't want to play any characters and please tell me what you thought of this story.**


	2. Discover

**Losing To Herself**

  


  
_Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one:   
  
**jwordofmouthbabe57**- It's good to know you hate Belle just like I do, lol. I don't see how anyone can actually tolerate her as a character, much less like her. I'm glad you agree with my view on Belle and her oh-so annoying love triangle too.   
  
**MahogonyMiss**- Don't worry, you're definitely not alone with being sick of the Belle love triangle and thinking Belle overdramatizes things. I like Phillip and Shawn but I hate Belle and I hate the idea of two perfectly nice guys going after someone like her when there are so many better girls on the show they could be chasing after. And as for being shy of slash stories, I was at one time too, though you'd never guess I was by half the stuff I write now. I now love slash, there are so many great stories out there and I couldn't resist writing one for Phillip and Shawn. Although my favourite slash ships for DOOL are Brady/Lucas, Shawn/Rex and Brady/Shawn (all without incest of course).   
  
**Heaven**- Gasp, you don't like my story? I am so going to go slit my wrists now! Haha, actually no, I don't think I'm going to take your review personally, considering you can't even spell 'personally' right. And I must say, for my first flame-like review, I'm really disappointed. Couldn't you have been more 'grrrr' or something? If you're going to give someone a flame, do it right. Your flame didn't make me laugh at all. Now, a big old- Ewwwwww!! Phillip and Shawn is sooooooo gross. I luv Belle and ur mean to her!! Stop porn-spamming ff.net with this junk, I don't lliiiiiikkkkkeeee it. U R A SICK-MINDED FREAK!!- would have been a different story. Care to try again? I could use a good laugh, honest I could. And besides, it would be nice to know what you didn't like about it. The writing style? The pairing? The way I shed light on Belle and showed her in the way she truly is? There were warnings in the summary, you know. And if you don't like it, don't read it. That's what most smart people do.   
  
**Anon**- Now that was a little bit better... come on, start swearing at me or something! You know you want to. Yeah, I warned you it wasn't for Belle lovers, which most people translate into 'This is for Belle-haters'. So, there is hatred but on a happier note, I love slash... love the idea of Phillip and Shawn. And no, I won't discontinue it (at least, I think you mean 'discontinue because I don't know what the hell 'discontiue' means) and you can't make me. Come on, flame me harder, I dare you ;). Aw, but don't worry. Belle is now cast out of this fic forever. It's all about Phillip and Shawn now and they love each other... not Belle. And a word of advice to you and Heaven up there, if you read the freaking summary and it sounds like something you won't like, then for the love of God, do yourself a favour and don't bother reading it. I certainly don't read Shelle stories. I'm not that idiotic.   
  
**Brianna Banana**- I am really happy you liked the story. But I have no intention of ignoring the crap reviewers, then I would miss out on the chance to make fun of them and their silly little attempts to make me feel bad. And yeah, I figured the "Not for Belle lovers" would reel some people in (just not the people that actually like her but hey, whatever floats your boat, right?) because I know I'm not the only person who can't stand Belle   
  
**Emerald804**- Hey, I like long reviews, don't worry. That was very well said, I couldn't have said it better myself. But don't worry, I am not going to discontinue, in fact, they've only provoked me to make it longer than it was going to be before. Yes, the flamers have inspired me so they can sit on that and rotate ;). _

  
  
It was early evening and a warm, humid wind surrounded Phillip as he walked along the sidewalk next to Shawn, their shoulders bumping occasionally, their hands hidden now but still linked together. The two of them walked together in comfortable silence while their jacket covered arms brushed against each other shyly. Phillip began circling Shawn's palm with his thumb almost automatically, loving the way Shawn's skin felt touching his. Phillip couldn't believe that it had taken him so long to realize that this was what he had truly wanted all along. In the end, Jan had been the one who had made him see it.   
  
Phillip and Shawn had already spent weeks fighting over Belle before Jan had come out and contacted Phillip. Phillip could still remember all the tension mounting between himself and Shawn at the time. Phillip had been so angry, so determined to make Belle his. He had hated Shawn for standing between Phillip and the one thing he desired most. At least, for a while, Phillip had thought he hated Shawn and he had thought that Belle was the person he desired more than anyone else. Phillip had hurt Shawn, worked his way into Shawn's relationship with Belle and did everything he could to keep them apart. He had been so jealous of Shawn, he hadn't wanted Shawn to have her. Yes, Phillip often felt little pangs of regret when he thought about the closeness and friendship with Shawn he had lost by pursuing Belle. He had missed Shawn during their war to win Belle's heart. But Phillip had done everything he could to steel himself against those feelings and let his resentment and jealousy towards Shawn fuel him, motivate him to work harder to win Belle.   
  
Belle had seemed to have the worst time making up her mind. She would make him believe that she was going to choose him, then she would go running back into Shawn's arms. It frustrated Phillip to no end and every time he saw Shawn and Belle together, his jaw would involuntarily clench and he would feel his eyes glaze over with a film of red. It really did kill him to imagine the two of them getting back together, leaving him with nothing. He had to have Belle, it became his obsession, it took over him. His every thought was Belle, he thought about being with her completely, with Shawn out of the picture forever. But he knew it could never be that way. Shawn had been her first love, the man she had wanted to marry, the man she had planned on spending the rest of her life with. And he hated Shawn for having such an advantage over him. It made Phillip have to try harder every day, every time he saw Belle. He knew he was the one Belle belonged with. He had stayed with her when Shawn felt like he hadn't been able to. He had comforted her, held her, given her belief in herself, made her see that she could go on without Shawn. He had mended the wings Shawn had broken and then his blonde angel with her broken wings had broken him.   
  
He saw them kissing one night and the jealousy was almost unbearable. His hands had balled up into tight fists and he had to clench his teeth together to keep from screaming. He had wanted to scream, he had wanted to kill someone. He had wanted to hurt Shawn. And later that night, he had. It was just one more fist fight, one that given Shawn yet another black eye. Phillip could still see the faint remains of the bruise around Shawn's eye and Phillip winced, hating the fact he had ever done something like that to Shawn.   
  
If it wasn't for Jan, Phillip wondered if it would have kept going, defying all rules of gravity. It was a definite possibility, since neither he or Shawn had showed any signs of stopping. But Jan had approached Phillip and had finally talked him into having dinner with her at the Blue Note. They had sat in the back of the restaurant, in a quiet and secluded corner. Jan had made small talk at first before she had eventually swung around to bring Belle into the conversation.   
  
_"So... you love her?" Jan asked in a knowing voice, as if she already seemed to think she knew the answer. Her voice was dripping his scorn, as if she really believed that the answer was no. Phillip had immediately jumped into angry, defensive marine mode.   
  
"Yes, I love Belle." Phillip had said firmly, his eyes burning into Jan, daring her to suggest otherwise, "And someday, I am going to have Belle."   
  
"What about Shawn?" Jan inquired, not looking at him. Instead, she played with her fork, tapping it on the edge of her plate softly.   
  
"What about him?" Phillip snorted with disgust, "Shawn is not a problem. Well, okay, he is a problem but he won't be for long. It shouldn't take too much time before Belle realizes that I'll make a better boyfriend than Shawn ever could."   
  
"That's not what I meant." Jan sighed and twirled the fork around nervously, "Phillip, I don't know how to put this but... I don't think it's Belle you're really after. Yes, I do believe that you wanted to get them apart but not because you wanted to win Belle. I think it had more to do with someone else... even if you never realized it.   
  
Phillip frowned and it took a few minutes to realize what she was saying. But he finally noticed the way her eyebrow was arched suggestively and the tiny smirk threateningly to light her entire face and understood what she was getting at, "Shawn?" it came out like a croak.   
  
"That's right." Jan nodded and Phillip rolled his eyes.   
  
"You really insane. Shawn... hates me." Phillip finished lamely, "And I don't feel that way about guys. Especially not Shawn."   
  
Jan let out an impatient huff, "Phillip, there's no shame in it. You know, I have a little crush on Nicole. Just don't tell her, okay?" without waiting for him to respond, Jan pressed on, "Shawn was your best friend. But you gave up, you let Belle ruin that for you. Don't you miss it? I remember how close you two used to be. Don't you miss having him around, being able to talk to him?"   
  
"I guess." Phillip said finally, feeling another insistent tug of longing, "I mean, I only miss him a little bit. I can handle it."   
  
"You miss him a lot." Jan spoke for him, "You two always shared this incredibly tight bond and I know that somewhere deep down, you feel a lot of regret about letting your 'feelings'," air quotes emphasized the last word, "For Belle get in the way of that. You love Shawn."   
  
"Excuse me?" Phillip sputtered, unable to believe he was actually still listening to her.   
  
"You love him." Jan repeated, "You love him as a friend at least. But you're also very confused. Shawn is too."   
  
"And you know this how?" Phillip demanded, feeling more offended with each word that came out of Jan's mouth.   
  
"Well, when I had Shawn caged up in my country home, it was really hard to make him excited. I thought I was the problem at first but then I remembered how Shawn had also pushed Belle away whenever she asked him to make love to her. Then I remembered this one time you were both in the gym locker room and he couldn't stop staring at you. I had snuck in and was wearing this eagle costume and I didn't understand why Shawn was looking at you like that or what it meant. But now I understand. He doesn't like girls in that way. He doesn't look at them the way he looks at you. He might not even know it, he might be just as confused as you are. But he feels something for you, Phillip. Something that goes beyond friendship. And this whole thing with Belle... I think both of you are so confused that you're doing anything you can to avoid the realities of your feelings."   
  
"You are so full of crap." Phillip responded coldly.   
  
Jan pouted, "I am not. I used to be friends with you guys, remember? I see things that you're being blinded by because Belle has you wrapped around her finger. Phillip, give Shawn a chance. Try and get your friendship with him back. You know it's important to you. And I am so sick of seeing Belle manipulate you and Shawn around like your pieces of the chess game of her life. I want you to be happy, provided that it makes Belle unhappy. Please, just think about it."   
  
_And Phillip had thought about it. He had reflected on his feelings for Shawn and how he truly felt. Then something hit him. All along, it was never Shawn he had been jealous of but Jan had been right... he had been jealous of Belle. And since he had always knew this somewhere deep down inside of him, he had also believed that there would never be any chance for himself and Shawn. He wanted it but there were certain things that could never be. Shawn loved Belle. But if Jan was right and Shawn really didn't have any feelings of attraction toward girls...   
  
Phillip had kept up the pretense of chasing Belle but had cooled a lot towards Shawn. The two of them fought less, mostly because Phillip didn't want it anymore. He didn't want to hurt Shawn, he just wanted his back friend back. He was past the point of feeling the need for revenge, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy (the jealousy directed at Shawn, at least), he was past it all. He wanted to have a chance with his friend, he wanted to know what it felt like to be with Shawn. For once in his life, instead of thinking he wanted to be Shawn, he wanted to be Belle.   
  
He still remembered the night he had finally given in to temptation. Shawn was yelling at him, warning him to stay away from Belle because she was Shawn's girlfriend and would always be with Shawn. Phillip felt no resentment towards Shawn flare up instead him, only resentment towards Belle. He wanted to know what it felt like to touch Shawn, to kiss him. So, he let logic leave his mind and finally discovered what it was like to kiss Shawn Douglas Brady. Shawn had stopped in mid-scream when Phillip brought his mouth down to crash overtop of Shawn's. The kiss was fast-paced and frantic, Phillip gripping the sides of Shawn's face in his hands, pressing his lips against Shawn's lips hard. Then, it was over. Phillip pulled away, breathing loud and shakily. Shawn looked shocked and confused but he definitely did not look disgusted or angry like he had been minutes before. Shawn stammered incoherently then closed his mouth. He took an uncertain step towards Phillip, then backed up about three feet. The kiss had totally taken him by surprise. Shawn had been so wrapped up in the drama of Belle that he hadn't realized that Phillip was sick of it. He was sick of fighting for Belle when what he wanted didn't come wrapped in a bubbly, pink clad package.   
  
But Shawn's hesitance had been too much. Phillip had turned and walked away without giving Shawn a chance to respond. Then a few days later, he had slept with Belle. God, he hadn't even wanted to. And it hadn't even been her face he had been seeing when he was with her. He had wanted it to be Shawn. And that when he realized that he did love Shawn, not Belle, never Belle. He didn't know how long he had loved Shawn but he only knew that he did and also that he didn't want to continue being a part of Belle's games anymore. He didn't want to a pawn in the face of something bigger, whatever Belle had been trying to do. He just wanted Shawn. He trusted Shawn, he knew it would be different than it was with Belle, there would be no lies and manipulations with the person who had been his best friend for so long. He had left Belle that night and there was finality in the sound of the loft's sliding door swishing shut behind him. It was over.   
  
Then there had only been Shawn. He went across the hall to Shawn's loft, his hands shaking slightly with anxiety. He hadn't approached Shawn since the kiss but he knew that it was the night to get things out in the open. Shawn had looked surprised to see him but had finally let him into the loft. Phillip hadn't known what to say but thankfully, Shawn had spoken instead.   
  
_"So, you and Belle?" Shawn crossed his arms over his chest, looking defeated. Phillip had no idea it was over the loss of Belle or the loss of Phillo but he hoped it was the latter. Phillip shook his head and cleared his throat.   
  
"No. Not me and Belle. It's, uh, it's someone else." Phillip managed to choke out, holding his breath as he gave Shawn a meaningful look. Shawn stood frozen for a moment, then finally spoke.   
  
"You know, when you kissed me, I never thought that you... wanted to do that." Shawn confessed. Phillip felt a rush of relief, glad he didn't have to spell everything out for Shawn.   
  
"Well, I did." Phillip tilted his head to one side questioningly, "Did you?"   
  
Shawn nodded wordlessly, then found his voice a few minutes later, "I don't know what the hell is going on with us. I do know that you're my best friend. I don't want to lose you, especially since I think there could be more between us."   
  
_Things hadn't moved forward that much since then but both Phillip and Shawn were trying. They hadn't kissed since the first kiss that had surprised them both but they were slowly working themselves into a relationship, moving forward tentatively, one step at a time. Jan had passed them as they were leaving the Brady Pub that same night. Her eyes were immediately drawn to their hands and she gave both of them an encouraging smile before moving forward into the Pub.   
  
Neither Phillip or Shawn ever mentioned Belle. It was like an unspoken rule between them. They hadn't wanted her to find out about their feelings but both of them had a strong feeling that she knew something was going on. And neither of them wanted to use their feelings for each other to hurt her. They simply wanted her gone. And therefore, she was. 


End file.
